dawnward | NV; (formerly on LJ)

[Jinx is trying. She's really, really trying to find the right words, to be understanding, and get everything out there. However, she's stuck on what to say. How to tell him what she's feeling. Praying this is the right answer, she closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss him.]

[Riku puts his hands out to stop her, but he doesn't push her away. He leans his forehead to hers instead, just looking at her. With a sigh, he closes his eyes and gently puts his lips to hers, just a fleeting peck of a kiss. Anything deeper might give her the wrong idea; he cares about her but he doesn't want her to get attached to him if he can't give her everything she wants.]

[It's a little too late for that. Despite how insubstantial that kiss is, it still means so much to her that he even would.]

It's been three months. [She pulls away from him and sighs.] Three months of crying and being alone. I wish I could go back to everything I was when I first came to this city, but I hate her. And I wish that this was easy. I'm not used to caring about other people, especially not someone like you. You're way out of my league.

I'm not a virgin. At all. I don't know how long I could last in a relationship like this... but I could try. [It's hard to look at him as she talks. Why can't she just lay out everything so clearly like he did? Getting her to talk like this was not unlike pulling teeth, in her opinion. Her next words practically fall out of her mouth.]

I want you to be mine.

I know.

[And she still might go back to that if she ever disappears and comes back. He knows this, and he doesn't like that idea. But this is tearing her in two because they both know that it won't be the same if they're together but it won't be the same without each other. And he refuses to let her go so easily. Riku watches her and sighs, nodding, putting their foreheads together.]

I don't want you to be tied to me. If anything happens to either of us, even something small, I don't want us getting worse. [Emotionally, psychologically.] If you want to be with some guy for a night or for a week or whatever, I want you to do it, because I'm going to be here for you as long as this stupid world lets me.

[Their foreheads pressed together like this is hard for her. It's warm, his eyes are amazing, but she hates looking in them right now. She's nervous, and that's not something she's used to. It was usually this part in a conversation she cut and ran.]

You don't know what that's like. To pick out some person you don't care about and use them. It's not fun in the end. I don't want to be that person. It won't make either of us happy. [An awkward smile slips through.] When I'm with you, I feel like a better person.

I'm going to be just as hurt if something happens to you whether or not we're together. You're my best friend, stupid. Either way, you're stuck with me.

[Yes, Jinx, he does. Not willingly, but to look at his best friend as a pawn and nothing else, to use and abuse the girl that he liked for so long... It hurt. It still does.]

I don't want you to be that person either, but I don't want to hurt you either. I'm not a saint, Jinx. And I know you'll be around. I just...

I don't want to belong to someone. It's...bad. Bad associations. So let's not do that.

[But he was a saint compared to her.]

Then let me be yours. [That line just slipped out. The moment it passed her lips, she felt corny and stupid.] Please. [And that didn't help.]

[That's painful. He closes his eyes.]

Jinx. [He breathes.] I don't want someone to be possessive of. I don't want someone to be possessive of me.

[She hates this. She wants everything to get better immediately so she would stop feeling so sick to her stomach. Why did she even have to bring this up? She pulls away from his forehead and puts her face in her hands.]

I want something to live for again...

[That hurts and he immediately recoils.]

You can't put that on me. You can't dump something like that on me, Jinx, and you know it.

[There was that feeling again. The need to run and never look back.]

I don't even know why I'm alive anymore. I can't do anything right, and I can't even make sense out of anything I feel for you. It makes me sick that I can't wake up next to you. I hate the thought of you falling in love with another girl, but I know it might be for the best because all I'm doing is making your life worse. [Damn it, why can't she shut up?] I wish you'd just hate me.

I can't be that person for you right now. Look at you, Jinx... You're being self-destructive. You're turning me into a rebound and you're only hurting yourself. You deserve better than this.

You're wrong.

I don't deserve you.

It's not about people deserving each other.

[He looks at her.]

Your health, your mindset, your heart... Jinx, you're killing yourself like this. Why? I don't mean me, either, I mean everything. You just lost someone and with you like this... It's not safe.

Nothing is safe, Riku. [She's not going to look up at him.] I'm dying, and I have nothing to show for my life. When I'm with you, I'm happy. I feel like I might just have some meaning. It's always been that way, even when I was with him. The way you look at me and talk to me. It's been three months, and you're the only person I haven't pushed away.

But I can't be him. I can't.

I'm not asking you to be! [She looks back up at him, eyes on the verge of tears.] This isn't just about me. It's about you, too. And you're terrified of hurting me, aren't you? Is that it? You live alone while all your friends squeeze themselves into a single apartment. You work at a job you probably hate. I never see you do a single fucking thing for yourself! Stop making me the only one with fucking issues here!

I never claimed not to have issues.

[And that, at least, is true.]

But I never amounted to anything by being selfish or only doing things for myself. This place, this apartment? This is my selfishness. I live alone so I can have some solace because I can't be with them. Me being out here cost me my best friend. Do you really think I don't know my issues?

No, shut up. You had nothing to do with Sora disappearing.

[She clenches her teeth together momentarily. Fuck, this is hard.]

You can't turn yourself into some kind of monk and think things will get better. You were a child. We all do selfish things, and you were forgiven by the people you hurt. You don't have to separate yourself from everything you could hurt.

And you can't fling yourself into the next person's arms to escape the pain you're feeling.

[He shakes his head.]

I wasn't a child. I knew what I was doing. I still know what I'm doing because it's still here and I still indulge it. That's who I am. And that's who I'll always be.

[She moves to backhand him, right across the face.]

[And he takes it, saying nothing and doing nothing to stop her.]

I will not tolerate you pretending to know how I feel, and I'm not going to listen to you invalidate what I feel for you. If I wanted to throw myself at someone to cope with loss, I'd go for someone a hell of a lot easier to fuck than you.

Now you listen to me, and you listen good. I am not going to isolate myself and nurse a broken heart for the next few years. I'm upset, I'm alone, and yes, I probably am depressed, but I'm trying to do something about it. I'm trying to act on feelings I've had since the first time you spoke to me. So don't you ever try to feed me that kind of bullshit again.

[He looks at her and listens, but something's steely in his eyes. He's not angry, per say, but he's not willing to allow himself to keep hurting.]

I'm not asking you to go away for a few years. But I'm also not going to be your saving grace. You're too important of a friend for me to put myself in a relationship with you because I'm trying to fix you or make it better. I'll put myself in a relationship with you because that's entirely what I want.

Then tell me whether or not you want this.

NV; (formerly on LJ)

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