dawnward | NV; (formerly on LJ)

[He looks at her, unsurprised.]

What do you want us to be? How do you feel?

Why does this all have to be on me? Can't we talk about how you feel first? You're better at this!

[Well, she got that far without panicking. She should have been proud of herself.]

Because you're the one coming out of a relationship, remember?

[He leans gently against her.]

[She narrows her eyes quickly, but welcomes him leaning.] Not fair.

Riku, I want to know what you feel. I think I've been pretty obvious for a while.

I care about you, Jinx, but I think you're wanting things from me that I don't want to give.

[He looks at her.]

I don't know what your relationship was like with your boyfriend, but I don't want to have sex. I like the time we have together and the nights that we crash together and the talks we have. But I just... I don't want to be a disappointment. I don't want to suddenly be gone and hurt you.

[Jinx had not expected him to just lay out everything like that. It took her off guard. She looks away from him, biting down on her bottom lip. It takes her a moment to respond. When she does, she decides to talk about the easiest thing.]

Why don't you want to have sex with me?

It's not you. [He smiles lopsidedly.] As dumb as it sounds, it's me.

I don't want to have sex with anyone right now. It's...something I've always seen as important, almost sacred. I want it to be with the right person and at the right time. I don't want to just rush right into it.

And... I'm not the right person, am I? You'd probably much rather be with someone else. [Jinx didn't get it. She thinks he's trying to get at something else with all of this.]

It's not that you're right or wrong. [He touches her cheek with his hand.]

I can't think of a single person in this city who I'd want to be with, honestly. I don't know who I want to be with yet like that.

[She leans into that touch, grateful for anything she got right about now. Jinx is trying a great deal to think before she speaks with this one. She swallows, hard.]

Does that mean you don't want to be in a relationship? Do you just want to be friends?

[That's a difficult question. He cares about Jinx, but if she's not going to be fully happy with him because he can't give her everything she wants-]

I don't know. I don't want you to be stuck with someone who's not the whole package, but I really do like you.

[Jinx is trying. She's really, really trying to find the right words, to be understanding, and get everything out there. However, she's stuck on what to say. How to tell him what she's feeling. Praying this is the right answer, she closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss him.]

[Riku puts his hands out to stop her, but he doesn't push her away. He leans his forehead to hers instead, just looking at her. With a sigh, he closes his eyes and gently puts his lips to hers, just a fleeting peck of a kiss. Anything deeper might give her the wrong idea; he cares about her but he doesn't want her to get attached to him if he can't give her everything she wants.]

[It's a little too late for that. Despite how insubstantial that kiss is, it still means so much to her that he even would.]

It's been three months. [She pulls away from him and sighs.] Three months of crying and being alone. I wish I could go back to everything I was when I first came to this city, but I hate her. And I wish that this was easy. I'm not used to caring about other people, especially not someone like you. You're way out of my league.

I'm not a virgin. At all. I don't know how long I could last in a relationship like this... but I could try. [It's hard to look at him as she talks. Why can't she just lay out everything so clearly like he did? Getting her to talk like this was not unlike pulling teeth, in her opinion. Her next words practically fall out of her mouth.]

I want you to be mine.

I know.

[And she still might go back to that if she ever disappears and comes back. He knows this, and he doesn't like that idea. But this is tearing her in two because they both know that it won't be the same if they're together but it won't be the same without each other. And he refuses to let her go so easily. Riku watches her and sighs, nodding, putting their foreheads together.]

I don't want you to be tied to me. If anything happens to either of us, even something small, I don't want us getting worse. [Emotionally, psychologically.] If you want to be with some guy for a night or for a week or whatever, I want you to do it, because I'm going to be here for you as long as this stupid world lets me.

[Their foreheads pressed together like this is hard for her. It's warm, his eyes are amazing, but she hates looking in them right now. She's nervous, and that's not something she's used to. It was usually this part in a conversation she cut and ran.]

You don't know what that's like. To pick out some person you don't care about and use them. It's not fun in the end. I don't want to be that person. It won't make either of us happy. [An awkward smile slips through.] When I'm with you, I feel like a better person.

I'm going to be just as hurt if something happens to you whether or not we're together. You're my best friend, stupid. Either way, you're stuck with me.

[Yes, Jinx, he does. Not willingly, but to look at his best friend as a pawn and nothing else, to use and abuse the girl that he liked for so long... It hurt. It still does.]

I don't want you to be that person either, but I don't want to hurt you either. I'm not a saint, Jinx. And I know you'll be around. I just...

I don't want to belong to someone. It's...bad. Bad associations. So let's not do that.

[But he was a saint compared to her.]

Then let me be yours. [That line just slipped out. The moment it passed her lips, she felt corny and stupid.] Please. [And that didn't help.]

[That's painful. He closes his eyes.]

Jinx. [He breathes.] I don't want someone to be possessive of. I don't want someone to be possessive of me.

[She hates this. She wants everything to get better immediately so she would stop feeling so sick to her stomach. Why did she even have to bring this up? She pulls away from his forehead and puts her face in her hands.]

I want something to live for again...

[That hurts and he immediately recoils.]

You can't put that on me. You can't dump something like that on me, Jinx, and you know it.

[There was that feeling again. The need to run and never look back.]

I don't even know why I'm alive anymore. I can't do anything right, and I can't even make sense out of anything I feel for you. It makes me sick that I can't wake up next to you. I hate the thought of you falling in love with another girl, but I know it might be for the best because all I'm doing is making your life worse. [Damn it, why can't she shut up?] I wish you'd just hate me.

I can't be that person for you right now. Look at you, Jinx... You're being self-destructive. You're turning me into a rebound and you're only hurting yourself. You deserve better than this.

You're wrong.

I don't deserve you.

It's not about people deserving each other.

[He looks at her.]

Your health, your mindset, your heart... Jinx, you're killing yourself like this. Why? I don't mean me, either, I mean everything. You just lost someone and with you like this... It's not safe.

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